Welcome to our second installment of the series we’re calling This Fucking Guy, where we explore the lives of men in history who had the opportunity to do some great things and just… really ran the other direction with it.
Today, we’re discussing John of England. Seriously, this fucking guy did so much that we literally are not even getting to half of his reputation busting deeds. We’re hitting the highlights though!
So, let’s dive in! Get to know King John (the first and only) of England.
This Fucking Brother
John was the youngest of four sons of Henry II of England (ugh, that fucking guy) and Eleanor of Aquitaine. Henry jokingly called his youngest and favorite son John Lackland due to his… well, lack of land and inheritances. I have to assume that was a real knee slapper in the 12th century. John, however, did not find this solid joke as funny as everyone else and what he lacked in land he more than made up for with the huge fucking chip on his shoulder.
As luck and horrible knowledge of medical care may have it, two of John’s brothers died young. This, paired with an advantageous (albeit incestuous and unhappy) marriage brought John plenty of lands, wealth, and a few steps closer to the throne. That would be enough to make anyone content in their standing, right?
Lol.
John’s older brother, Richard, was crowned king of England in 1189. You may remember Richard as the hot, confident lion in Disney’s 1973 classic Robin Hood. In this same incredibly historically accurate children’s movie, John is portrayed in an entirely different light.
There is so much to unpack here in John’s relationship with Richard. The indignation John held for his older brother may have stemmed from Richard’s close relationship with their mother, Eleanor. We do not have time for that Freudian adventure, but just understand that the resentment John harbored came from a deep and real place.
In 13th century Europe, crusading was a big deal and Richard is famous for being the most crusade-y king to ever crusade. So, naturally, Richard left England for the holy lands about 5 minutes after being crowned..
And then the shit hit the fucking fan.
Long story short (kinda): things got really messy in England and John was in the middle of most of the drama. He spread rumors among the court that Richard was dead and formed alliances with his brother’s best frenemy, Philip II of France. This did nothing to endear the English people to him. He did himself even more damage when word arrived that Richard had been kidnapped and held for ransom on the continent. While their poor mother found herself frantic and horrified, trying to raise the ridiculous ransom to free her favorite son- John offered Richard’s captors a small fortune to not release Richard.
Seriously? This fucking guy.
Eleanor did eventually raise the ransom (and nearly bankrupt the country in the process) and upon Richard’s return he forgave John stating, “you are only a child with evil counselors” which was basically a 13th century way of saying “you ain’t shit, dude”. But, John’s actions had caused turmoil within England and their holdings in France and many of the lords and barons began to bicker and turn on each other. To smooth things over, John was named heir (even though, by law of the land he shouldn’t have been) and there was peace in Angevin domains again.
For 5 years.
Richard died without any legitimate heirs and John became king. That’s when the real fun started.
“You are only a child with evil counselors” which was basically a 13th century way of saying “you ain’t shit, dude”.
This Fucking Magna Carta
The Magna Carta is a crucially important document that changed the course of not only English history but set the standard for governmental procedures for much of the world. It’s basic gist is that the king isn’t all-powerful and that the people (see: wealthy, land-owning men) of the country have a say in how their money is spent and how their lives should be managed. And at the time, this was a groundbreaking thought.
So, you’re probably thinking- “Oh, John put this unprecedented document into action out of the respect and love for his people, right?”
No. Of course not. This is John. Obviously it was forced on him after he went and fucked everything up so bad that the people were ready to overthrow him in favor for the French prince. Obviously.
It was 15 years into his disastrous reign and the country was nearly out of money and for their trouble, the barons had also lost all their land holdings in France. The blame fell squarely on John’s shoulders and the people wanted change. John was furious that his barons would dare to want a hand in the running of their own country and basically left the entire nobility on read for years and years.
So. They called in the French. If John wasn’t going to acquiesce to their demands, maybe a new king they brought in would be more amiable. “FINE!” John said. And in 1215 he met with his barons to put his royal seal on a document that in reality, he found so insulting he never actually intended to uphold.
Immediately following, John started a civil war against his barons. This war, creatively named, is called the First Baron’s War, was basically John and the Pope v everyone else. Unsurprisingly, the barons then invited the French prince, Louis, to please come assist and be king. John had to know this would happen, but it was pride over country for this man.
Things ultimately went poorly for John as he lost most of the royal funds in quicksand (I’m sorry, WHAT?!) and then died of dysentery while fleeing enemy troops.
Through (reluctantly) signing the Magna Carta, John laid the groundwork for eventual ideas of democracy in which one tyrant king cannot rule without the checks and balances of other citizens of the country. The Magna Carta set the standard that a person could not be imprisoned without due cause and trial. This was a radical document that would go on to influence the likes of the American constitution.
But, then he turned around and shit on it and died of dysentery like he was on the fucking Oregon Trail.
Yeah, that tracks.
This Fucking Husband
In his lifetime, John had two wives and if you’ve been paying attention, you can probably guess how he treated these unlucky women. We are not even going to dive into the stories of his many affairs (in which he maybe liked to kidnap noble women and force them to be his mistresses, thus creating the legend of Maid Marion?).
Nope, we literally do not have time for that, but instead, we’ll discuss the two Isabellas with the misfortune of marrying England’s most unpopular king.
Isabella of Gloucester
When John was very young, his dad found him the perfect wife in Isabella of Gloucester. Isabella was the heiress to a wealthy earldom and therefore a very desirable match. The fact that they were second cousins just wasn’t a big deal. Sure, there was some pushback, but it was agreed upon that so long as they never actually consummate the marriage, it’s all gravy baby. Wait… what?
In 1176, likely at the age of 16, Isabella married the 21 year old Prince John. And they lived… miserably. John, being the charmer that he was, pretty much started looking for an out of the union from day one.
In 1199, much to everyone’s surprise, John took the throne as king of England. He did not have Isabella participate in the coronation. This was a direct sign to everyone, including Isabella, that he did not intend to have her around much longer. It was also, as contemporary sources may have noted, fucking harsh. So, it came as a surprise to no one when John succeeded in having their marriage annulled later that year on the grounds of consanguinity.
This was a direct sign to everyone, including Isabella, that he did not intend to have her around much longer. It was also, as contemporary sources may have noted, fucking harsh.
Isabella did not contest the annulment. She was likely just as unhappy in the marriage as he was and went quietly. However, what happened next was probably a bit of a shock to her as John declared “no takeseys backseys” and denied her the return of her lands and titles. And just to add insult to injury, he declared her a royal prisoner and kept her under lock and key in her palaces for the next 14 years.
Finally, John released Isabella from her confinement and returned her title to her. Did he see the errors in his ways? No. This was a dick move. Once she regained her title, John basically put Isabella on the auctioning block and sold her (again, along with her title, lands and income) to the highest bidder. Yes, you read that right. He sold his ex wife into a marriage. The man she married, the Earl of Essex, was actually not a fan of John (join the club) and was a pivotal player in the signing of the Magna Carta.
SUCK IT, JOHN.
John died in 1216. Isabella outlived him by almost 2 years and died a very wealthy and respected countess. Have we mentioned, suck it John?
Isabella of Angouleme
John married for a second time soon after this dissolution of his first marriage. His second wife, also known as Isabella just to keep things simple, was possibly born sometime during his first marriage.
“But, his first marriage lasted barely more than a decade,” I can hear you saying.
Yup. You’re’ correct. Isabella of Angouleme was the daughter of a wealthy French count. Her beauty was known far and wide which is incredibly icky given than she was AT BEST 12 years old upon her first trip down the aisle. John was apparently so taken with the child Isabella that he had to have her as his wife NOW. The thing is- Isabella was already engaged to a French nobleman who hadn’t married her yet because of the whole age thing. But our man John saw no issue with it and married her in secret without informing her betrothed.
Okay, so there are a couple of issues there. First, the legal age of marriage at this time was 12.
Was she 12 yet or did the king convince her parents to flub the records? Second, he was effectively stealing from another French lord by taking his…err… agreed upon property from him with no warning. King or no king, this was considered by society as an all around dick move. It was a huge scandal, but John gave zero fucks and he and his child bride lived happily ever after.
HA! Jokes. No, she became one of the most detested women in medieval Europe. See, John’s underhandedness with the whole secret marriage thing made him a lot of powerful enemies in France, thus resulting in years of battles. Battles that the English citizens were expected to pay for with their taxes and fight for with their lives. And, as we’ve discussed many times before, since it wasn’t a good idea to shit talk the king and this was all for his love of (again… a child) Isabella, her reputation suffered. During her 16 year tenure as queen, Isabella was called all the insulting names that medieval folk loved to throw at women. Harlot, whore, Jezebel, witch… all the hits. Matthew Paris, a contemporary chronicler and monk called her “more Jezebel than Isabel” because monks are famous for their comedy.
Matthew Paris, a contemporary chronicler and monk called her “more Jezebel than Isabel” because monks are famous for their comedy.
John’s marriage to Isabella marked the beginning of his downfall in popularity and hearts of the English. These battles for the honor of his marriage and correlating disputes with the French king resulted in the loss of major English land holdings in France. And when his nobles came to him asking why he’d made such a blunder of things, he placed the blame squarely on Isabella’s underage shoulders. He’d been driven mad with the love her her.
Right… and it had nothing to do with her money and lands in France.
John’s use of Isabella as a scapegoat for his shortcomings was not his only mistreatment of his young wife. He also did not entrust her with lands and incomes of her own, a typical endowment for queen consorts of the time. And when she was set to inherit land and titles upon the passing of her father, John pulled a move from his previous marriage and claimed those as his own as well, leaving our girl nothing. This meant that Isabella had no way to fund her own household and staff when John was away (which was a lot). John also saw no need to leave her an allowance in his absence. No worries. The loving husband would make sure Isabella was looked after. John left her in the household of trusted friends to care for her. Those trusted friends of course included his mistresses and his ex-wife.
AWKWARD!
John and Isabella had a tumultuous marriage and she was not even mentioned in his will. Isabella outlived John by nearly 30 years, but never shook that childhood reputation. Look, Isabella wasn’t perfect and would go on to cause scandal after scandal (maybe she tried to poison the French king?),but John’s disregard for her reputation and lack of protection for her in a strange land set the stage for the public to treat her as a wicked woman for the rest of her life. Ugh.
This fucking guy.
Sources:
More Jezebel than Isabel
Wikipedia, duh
Isabella of Glouster
Ten Minute History, The Magna Carta
Queens Of England Podcast
King John by Marc Morris