Divorced. Beheaded. Died. Divorced. Beheaded. Survived. What an adorable little rhyme about the tyrannical rule of a once chivalric king who murdered and /or psychologically tortured several of his wives. 🙃 But not Anne of Cleves. This often-overlooked woman not only survived her split from Henry VIII of England but thrived in her new home.
Let’s meet Anne of Cleves
If you’re a fan of the Tudor era, you’ve likely heard of Anne of Cleves. She’s often remembered as the “ugly” wife of Henry VIII. The one that he found so repulsive that he couldn’t possibly bring himself to touch her so he sent her away and called her his sister. But there’s so much more to the story than that. In fact, we’d argue that no one actually found her all that unattractive.
We believe she was a beautiful woman who was put into a situation she was not prepared for with a man who was too cowardly to admit that he did not want the political alliances that this marriage came with. So, instead of facing the diplomatic consequences, he took to slander. It’s actually infuriating if we’re being honest.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s go way back and start with her origin story. How did this German girl end up at the court of Henry VIII anyway? Anne was born in Germany in 1515 and was the daughter of the John III Duke of Cleves and his wife Maria of Jülich-Berg. Her childhood was sheltered. Like, for real. She would have been raised with only women around and only interacting with men of her closest relations. Namely her father, her brother and maybe an uncle or two.
But! That doesn’t mean she was without a strong role model. Her mother, Maria, was incredibly involved in the running of Cleves. Part of her and her husband’s vast lands came from her inheritance and she was determined to ensure that everything that went on passed her vibe check.
Unlike Queens Podcast alum Catherine of Aragon and Anne Boleyn, this Anne wasn’t the most educated Tudor queen. Her education would have been a more practical one centered around running a household, manners, religious study and basic reading, writing, etc. Though it doesn’t seem like she learned any other languages which is super annoying being that from a young age her marriage prospects were taken into account and it was assumed she’d eventually marry into the French aristocracy. And yet, elle ne parlait pas français. Which we find très annoying.
Yes, Anne’s marriage prospects started young and when she was 11 she was betrothed to the 9 year old son of the Duke of Lorraine, the future Francis I of Lorraine. However, after the loss of Anne’s father in 1539 her brother Wilhelm became duke and he had different plans for Cleves.
Guess what! We’re protestant now
That’s right! I had always been under the impression that Anne of Cleves was raised protestant, but nope. She was raised Catholic. However, her family had always been very lenient with religion. Her father was actually a supporter of Erasmus, a strong critic of the Pope. In this, Anne learned tolerance and to have an open mind when it came to religion and theology. A trait that we will see will go far in the future. However, now that her brother is in charge, he wanted to piss off the Holy Roman Emperor, Charles V. And thought the best way to do that is to make sure all his sisters married non-Catholics or did not marry at all. Okay, let’s fast forward a little bit. We are now in 1539 and traveling across the channel into England. Henry VIII of the Tudor dynasty is king and on the hunt for wife number 4.
He had divorced the people’s princess Catherine of Aragon, beheaded the scandalous Anne Boleyn, and tragically lost his beloved* Jane Seymour to childbed fever. And he was ready to make another woman miserable. Our girl Anne was actually not even kind of his first choice. He had his eyes on a teenager (typical), the newly widowed Christina of Denmark. So, he sent his main man Thomas Cromwell, and his court portraitist, Hans Holbein the younger, to get a portrait of her so that he could see for himself what all the fuss was about. Christina, in turn, made herself up to be as attractive as possible to show her enthusiasm for this match.
(Alexa: Show me the opposite of “pick me energy”)
Christina is said to have remarked, “If I had two heads, one should be at the King of England’s disposal.” We have no idea if the young Christina actually said this, but the fact that the rumor spread that she did just shows you the kind of glowing reputation the 48 year-old king of England enjoyed throughout the rest of Europe. Anyway, this was a non-starter. Christina was in the care of her uncle, Holy Roman Emperor Charles V. And he was never going to allow this. Let’s take a quick detour to explain why.
If I had two heads, one should be at the King of England’s disposal.
-christina of mf’ing denmark
The aforementioned rhyme starts with Divorced. And who did he divorce? Catherine of Aragon, an infanta of Spain. Henry and his crew put this poor woman through hell and humiliation. Currently, the Holy Roman Emperor is Charles V and he has not forgotten this behavior because Catherine of Aragon was his aunt. Charles’ mother was Juana of Castile (that poor woman…). Juana and Catherine were sisters. He was not going to allow another woman from his house to be humiliated by the king of England.
The moral of the story? Be nice to your ex because you might want to bang their hot niece one day. Wait…what?
So, let’s get back to Anne of Cleves
With his first pick dashed, his main man Thomas Cromwell started to bring up Cleves and the two single ladies with impeccable reputations. Anne’s brother was eager to make an alliance with someone who wanted to fuck over the French and be associated with a super power who had cut ties with the Pope. If you know anything about English history you should know that they LOVE fucking over the French at any given point (up until WWI, but that’s a whole other story). So, this was intriguing to Henry and Cromwell returned with a portrait of Anne.
Henry liked what he saw, but he wanted to be sure that the original artist did not flatter her. So, he sent his number one portraitist, Hans Holbein the Younger. He was like “Look, man. Paint what you see. If she’s a 10, show me. But if she’s a 2 be for real, okay?” Hans Holbein had no reason to flatter Anne. He worked for Henry VIII at a time when the king was in his heavy beheading era. So, if anything he had more reason to be overcritical in his painting of Anne of Cleves. But what he painted showed a lovely young woman. And the king said… sure! Let’s do it.
Anne started her long journey to the English court in the Autumn of 1539. It was not an easy journey, but she used this time to try to learn English and the customs of her new home-to-be. Why this didn’t start happening in the year leading up to the trip is a mystery, but better late than never.
However, when Anne arrived in England and Henry met her in person, he was not into it. No one seems to have asked her what she thought about the aging and unwell king. The wide spread story is that he called her a “Flanders mare” and found her unattractive. First off, that doesn’t even make sense. Also, he would have NEVER disrespected her and risked diplomatic troubles. Let’s just say they didn’t click for whatever reason. Despite this, the marriage went ahead.
Now, the story you know about Henry’s displeasure is widely around her appearance. But lets paint a picture of what we know about Anne’s appearance. She was tall. She had long blonde hair that went down to her waist. She was curvy. Yeah, because typically men really hate tall blondes with big booties and boobies. 🤮🤮🤮 But let’s consider Henry’s dating history up to this point.
(PHOTO: JON KOPALOFF/GETTY IMAGES)
- First, Henry had never had a purely diplomatic marriage like this before. Yes, his first wife Catherine of Aragon was on paper a great alliance, but by the time they were married Catherine had been in England for the better part of a decade and Henry believed that he was truly in love with her. Then obviously he was in love with Anne Boleyn and subsequently Jane Seymour**.
- Physically, all the women that Henry had gravitated to seem to have similar looks. Yes, Catherine of Aragon was a ginger, Anne was a brunette and Jane was blonde. However, they all seem to have been on the more slender and petite side. So, maybe he wanted to tower over his women. Maybe he didn’t know what to do with a woman that he didn’t tower over.
- The women that he had been head over heels for could hold their own in conversation. Conversation about poetry and politics. He literally could not hold a conversation with Anne because they had no common language. Also, she didn’t hold the level of education as some of the women in his past so there was that lack of chemistry.
So, let’s get back to Anne of Cleves
Yes, you likely know that the marriage was never consummated. And yes, you probably know that Henry made a big stink about how “ugly” he found her. But did you know that as soon as the wedding bells began to ring, Anne’s shit starting brother started to antagonize the Holy Roman Emperor, Charles V implying that now that the king of England was his brother in law that they would join forces to fight him.
To which Henry said, “the fuck we are***”.
Henry had 0% interest in getting involved in a conflict with Charles. And he was not into being super tied to this pain in the ass that is the young Duke of Cleves. So, how do we get out of a sticky situation caused by a marriage to a woman that you weren’t really that into anyway? Easy. End the marriage. And that’s what he did. When Anne agreed upon the annulment, she was given the title The King’s Sister and lived a relatively easy life, dying of natural causes in her 40s.
But wait! Why do we know her as ugly?
You might be thinking, “okay. If the divorce was political, why is so much made in history of her being the ugly wife?”. And the answer is, psychological torture.
Let me explain.
Thomas Cromwell was chief minister and all around Yes-Man to the king. As a result this man has a lot of blood on his hands, so let’s not feel too sorry for him in the upcoming explanation.Cromwell was a very loud proponent for the Cleves alliance and thus his downfall was instrumental in getting Henry out of the marriage. But in a desperate attempt to win back the king’s’ favor Thomas Cromwell wrote testimonies from his jail cell about how hideous Anne was. And those are the descriptions that survive to this day.
Life as the king’s sister
And for so many, that is the end of the story of Anne of Cleves. But really, it was just the beginning of a really nice life. Anne was funny and inviting. People loved to be around her. For her part in graciously stepping down as Queens of England, she was rewarded castles and money and gifts. Part of this deal was that she would have to remain in England, but it seems like she was super cool with this.
See, if she had gone back to Cleves, she would have to had to returned to that sheltered life. But here in England, she ran her own house. She threw parties and she got like really into brewing her own beer. Okay, hipster queen. And though Henry’s mental health deteriorated, his ire never really turned on her due to his gratitude in her being so chill about being called ugly so publicly.
And it was this go-with-the-flow attitude that won her favors later in life. When her stepdaughter err…niece Mary I became queen and said “Hey, everyone! We’re Catholic again” Anne was not bothered. She said “okee dokee, babes” and broke out her rosary.
Remember. Anne had been raised Catholic and had already made the switch previously. And given her tolerant upbringing, this really just didn’t seem like that big of a deal.
We love an unbothered queen.
In the end, Anne of Cleves lived a pretty good rest of her life, while her ex suffered horrible health and increased paranoia and a growingly horrible reputation. And all Anne had to do was let a few people call her ugly for the rest of time. Honestly, if I got a castle, lots of friends, and never had to work again out of this deal I wouldn’t be too mad either.
*We are not sure Henry really liked Jane Seymour all that much
**See above
***Citation for paraphrasing
Some sources:
YESSSS!!!! Thank you guys for doing an episode on Anna Duchess of Cleves. She is definitely one of the more neglected but fascinating wives of Henry VIII (and my favorite).Heather Darsie’s book is great.