This Fucking Shit Starter
I think we all know a few shit-starters in our lives. But we love drama. We say we don’t, but c’mon. Drama brings excitement to our lives. That’s why we keep inviting Janet who hit her husband with her car to the happy hour knowing full well that she’s going to start a fight with the waitress.
It gives us something to talk about.
Enter, Charles II of Navarre. He has gone down in history as Charles the Bad. And dude brought the drama. Let me tell you about this fucking shit-starter and why he kept getting invited back to the party again and again.
Charlie was born on October 10, 1332. His mother really should have been queen regnant of France, but you know. Uterus. So, instead, she was given the country of Navarre to rule while the more coveted title of Monarch of France went to Charlie’s great-uncles and their descendants. Little Charles carried a huge chip on his shoulder since childhood because he wanted to be king of France, damnit.
Also, he hated Navarre. He made sure to spend as little time as possible there and didn’t bother to speak the language at his coronation, making him the first monarch to take his oath in French, not Latin or Occitan (the local language). While he didn’t love Navarre, he loved the people’s tax dollars. And he needed them to fund all the shit he was about to start.
Of which there was plenty.
Don’t start no shit there won’t be no shit…
…is not a phrase that Charlie knew nor understood. And he was kind of living in the perfect time for it too. You see, during the 14th & 15th centuries, there was this ongoing feud called The Hundred Years War.* It was a battle between his cousins, the kings of England and France. During Charlie’s lifetime, the two major players were his cousin Edward III of England and his father-in-law/cousin John II of France. The king of England thought he should also be the king of France while the king of France thought the king of England should politely go fuck the fuck off.
And that went on for a century.**
Charlie said, hey! The enemy of my enemy/ father-in-law/ cousin is also my enemy. Eddie- do you want to team up?
He offered England the chance to sneak into France via Navarre and catch the French forces unaware. King Eddie said “fuck yes” (probably). However, Eddie and his crew didn’t know Charles that well, clearly. Because our little chaos-goblin was actually using this as leverage to get more lands and power from the French monarch.
And it worked! John the Good and Charles the Bad signed the Treaty of Mantes in 1354 giving Charles more power in return for him not helping the English invade France. That’s pretty fucking nice of John given that Charles had had his best friend/ maybe boyfriend murdered the year before.
However, no one told the English that the deal was off. So, while they were loading up their ships and heading out, they had to hear through the grapevine that there would be no allies to meet them in Navarre. So, now you think that Eddie and John would have learned their lesson and not make a deal with this devil again, right?
NOPE. The exact same thing played out the next year.
Charles was eventually thrown into a French prison and charged with just being too much damn drama to be left to his own devices.
The King of Choas (but never of France)
In a twist, King John the Good was eventually taken hostage by England. And👏France 👏Lost 👏Its 👏Mind. It was anarchy and in the madness, Charles of Navarre got out of prison. Mastermind escape plan? Had a friend on the inside? Human error? It’s unclear, but now anarchy is running the streets and he decides to feed off the chaos.
Remember Janet from the top of this story? Hit-her-husband-with-a-car-Janet? Do you know why we keep inviting her to happy hours and birthday parties and christenings? Because, despite our best judgment, the girl has rizz. She’s funny. She tells a great story. She pulls you into the drama. And somehow, Charles did the same.
When dude made his first public appearance after his stay in prison, the crowd ate it up. He listed the ways the French king had wronged him and the people were eating up every last word.
No crumbs were left.
He demanded from the Dauphin (his cousin/brother-in-law who was reluctantly in charge of France) more money, more titles, more lands. So much money, titles and lands that once the agreement was signed, he would have been more powerful than the king of France himself.
And he came thiiiis close to getting it too. Until he heard that John had been released by the English and was heading home. Charles said “I better GTFO of Paris” and ran away as fast as he could.
After he let all the prisoners out of all the Parisian prisons. Why? Have you even been paying attention?
For the drama.
This F-ing death scene tho…
Was that the end of Charles II, Bad Boy of Navarre? No- of course not. One does not simply give up the drama. He continued to do just about everything we just discussed over and over. He’d make a deal with one European superpower just to switch sides for a payoff. He did this until his reputation was shot and basically no one took his calls anymore.
And we are actually skimming over lots of other things he did to get the nickname The Bad, but we just don’t have time.
But what he’s best known for is his gruesome death. We don’t know how true this is, but if you search “Charles II of Navarre” in Google, YouTube or wherever the only thing that is commonly discussed about this fucking guy is the story I’m about to tell you.
On new years day in 1387, Charles of Navarre (now 54) was suffering some kind of skin issue. Don’t ask me, old timey diseases are fucking weird. The cure? Dip linen in brandy, wrap the Bad Boy up in the boozey linen, and let the king soak overnight.
Sure.
However, when his maid came to tuck him in, she leaned in too closely with a candle in hand and POOF. Wrapped so tightly in his incredibly flammable bedclothes, he had nowhere to go but up… in smoke.
*The Hundred Years’ War lasted 116 years.
**A century and 16 years
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