(if you’d prefer to watch this episode head here)
Pull out your hankies and get ready for a cry because today we are talking about Katherine Howard, the fifth wife of the infamous Henry VIII.
Katherine was born at some point… people debate when exactly, but our best guess in 1523 or 1524. As for an actual date, no clue. Which is a huge bummer, because we would love to learn more about her astrological chart. But alas.
Katherine was a member of the Howard family who were kind of a big deal in the English court. Her uncles and aunts and cousins were all movers and shakers, but Katherine had the poor luck to be born to the less-than-popular Edmund Howard.
Possible Daddy issues from the jump
Edmund Howard was just a bit of a hot mess of a person. He had been invited to the court of Henry VIII, but lost favor when he kept beating the king in a joust. The first rule of jousting with the king is let the king fucking win, dude. He was then quietly not invited to return the next season.
So, Edmund wasn’t very good at many things. Except for being in debt. He was super good at being in debt. He spent his life running from debt collectors and throwing all his friends under the bus in the act. So, not a super cool guy is what I’m getting at.
But Dad had one hail mary. His get out of debtor’s jail free card. His niece, Anne Boleyn. Anne Boleyn was the king’s mistress (that he wasn’t sleeping with) and weilded a lot of power in England. So, when she heard her mother’s brother was making the whole family look bad, she sent Edmund to Calais for a job.
Sadly, Katherine’s mom passes away when she’s 4 and dad moves to Calias when she’s 7. So, poor girl didn’t get much time with either of her parents. And there’s nothing to indicate that after Edmund left for Calais that he did anything to stay in touch with Katherine. We hate this for little Katherine. She essentially lost both parents before her first decade of life.
But lukcily, Katherine’s step-grandmother had a spot for her in her house. So, let’s meet Agnes Howard. The Dowager Duchess of Norfolk.
A well-connected family
Agnes Howard was the richest widow in England as the dowager duchess of Norfolk. And she enjoyed her role very, very much. She had several manners with a staff of over 240. She collected priceless art, she wore the finest clothes and she 👏 loved 👏 gossip. (#same) So despite the many girls that were sent to her home for their finishing school, she was always at court (where the gossip is).
While Agnes was at home Katherine enjoyed the life of a very well-connected girl. She got to meet diplomats that came to visit, she became better acquainted with her powerful family members and she got a practical education on running a home. But when Agnes wasn’t home… she had a little more fun.
Boys, boys, boys
Let’s get this out of the way. Katherine Howard was like, really pretty. Which is nice, but when a pretty, young and naive girl is left with little to no supervision, things can get really icky real fast. And by the time she was 13 years old, she was having a physical relationship with her music teacher, Henry Mannox.
We are actually of the radical opinion that this is too young to be hooking up with your teacher and many view Katherine as a victim of grooming and abuse. However, despite 2 years of fooling around with Mannox he started pressuring her to go all the way. Which gave Katherine (and us) the ick. 🤮
And she broke it off. We think this tells us something about Katherine’s personalitiy. She was not to be bullied or told what to do. Ever. Mannox (who was also maybe married to someone else at this time?) was heartbroken but once Kitty’s heart has hardened to you there was no coming back. Boy, bye.
After dumping boyfriend number one, Katherine met a man that would change her life. It wasn’t for the better. Spoiler alert: no man in her life ever did anything good for her. This guy’s name was Francis Derham. Katherine would not hold back with this guy and pretty quickly their relationship turned physical. And with Derham, she did go all the way.
But then Derham got clingy and started calling her wife and Katherine got the ick after a few months. And then, after the passing of her absent father, her uncle (who was a very powerful duke) (and also a dick) decided he needed to get Katherine a job as a lady in waiting to the new queen of England.
Anne of Cleves was coming from Germany to be the new queen and the vibe at court was excited. Katherine was made for court life. She was pretty and flirty and popular
However, after the king’s intended arrived after her long journey, the king was NOT into it. And his eye began to wander. But Henry was a lazy man, so when his eye wandered, it always went to the same place. His current wife’s ladies in waiting.
And before we know it, Katherine is the topic of gossip at court. Anne was sent out of London and Henry was pretty much openly courting this beautiful teenager. Which again, this is super gross.
Katherine had a lot of gross dudes in her life. #poorbaby
And within the same month, Henry VIII divorced his wife, executed his best friend and married a teenager. Which is totally normal behavior, right?
