By: Nathan Foster

As much as I would like to claim my campy Eleganza quotes as my own, I have a confession to make: these lines are not Nathan Foster originals. If you are unfamiliar with the underground gay ballroom scene in New York City, do yourself a favor and watch Paris Is Burning or hop on Netflix and watch Pose. (you’re welcome)

In the infamous NYC Ballrooms, categories were handed out, and drag queens and queer folks alike would compete in a pageant-style competition to win prizes in each category. So join me in a Queens Podcast edition of the gay ballroom scene, where alleged gay kings will compete against one another in individual categories. In the end we crown a winner in each category and also crown the Mother of the Year! Enjoy!

Category Is Butch Queen Eleganza

Lady boy, first time in drag. These potential queens possibly played swallow the sausage, but it’s also possible their gay affairs (aka gayffairs) were made up to delegitimize their rule. Either way, these contestants are DRAMA and we love them for it.

James I (England/ Scotland)

Son of the controversial Mary Queen of Scots, he allegedly had an affair with three men. King James raised some eyebrows when he made some questionable decisions promoting some of the men closest to him…but James was destined for scandal. He made enemies with Catholics for translating the Bible to English. He pissed off the English because he was their king and he was *gasp* Scottish. Was he getting fucked in the hole or fucked on the whole?

Richard I (England)

He was noted to have a very close relationship with the King of France, Phillip II. It was noted that wherever King Phillip was, Richard was following him around like a puppy dog. The two needed to have a powerful bond, so much so that they…shared a bed together. Yes, ladies, gents, and everything in between (allegedly). Two kings, one bed. This is heavily disputed as back in the day sleeping in the same bed with someone was a sign that you had a treaty together. Literally, you are in bed with your ally. Was this an innocent gesture, or was Richard’s obsession with Phillip leading to him slipping Phil that Lionheart “D”?

William II (England)

This possible closet case was not about sleeping with his wife or concerned with having an heir. William was notorious for having a flamboyant court. He dressed courtiers in pointed shoes and told them to grow out their hair. Many historians believe that William just admired the beauty in an extravagantly effeminate court, while many others think William was just checking out all the cute boys’ asses in all those tight outfits at court.

Edward II (England)

King of England and husband to Isabella of France. Allegedly this stud muffin was cockflogged by Piers Gaveston. Yes, cockflogged. It’s when the dick is so good you literally will bend over backwards for it. Although the rumors are likely false, the king was allegedly so in love with Gaveston that he allowed Gaveston to call the shots at court which pissed everyone off. So much so, it got Gaveston exiled, brought back, exiled again, brought back, exiled AGAIN…and eventually hunted down and executed. What a Drama Queen.